


The Rookie - Silent Lucidity

by DandelionDreaming



Series: The Rookie Series [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Dean Winchester In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Romantic Dean Winchester, Sad and Beautiful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:54:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24146971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DandelionDreaming/pseuds/DandelionDreaming
Summary: Following on from The Rookie Hunts: HOME in the Rookie series, this one shot is set after the events at the end of Home and Season 9.  In the aftermath of Dean's death, you remember him and one of the incredibly thoughtful, sweet things he did for you when he was alive... made even more poignant now he's gone 🖤.*Latest in the Rookie Series - to start from beginning:Hunter in Training - The Rookie.You train to be a hunter with Sam and Dean, quickly falling for Dean. He calls you his 'Rookie' and puts you through all sorts of kinky trials and tests. The series follows you through fluff, angst and a lot of smutty times as you and Dean learn how to love one another no matter what hunting and life with the Winchesters throws at you.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Original Female Character(s), Dean Winchester/You
Series: The Rookie Series [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1491710
Comments: 11
Kudos: 63





	The Rookie - Silent Lucidity

[ **SILENT LUCIDITY** ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/74yvhGl8wQKF21B9152tml)

**_  
I will be watching over you  
  
I am gonna help you see it through,  
  
I will protect you in the night  
  
I am smiling next to you,  
  
In silent lucidity…_ **

**  
QUEENSRYCHE**

You sat on the bench in the garden, thinking of Dean. Surrounded by his love and thoughtfulness, your soul broken, your heart in more pieces than you would have thought possible. You ran your fingers over the wood, over your initials carved deep into it by him, remembering the day he had gifted it to you… surprised you, how happy he’d made you. Never thinking for a second that only weeks later this would be a place you’d come to remember and mourn him. To say goodbye.

  
* * * * * *

**Several weeks Earlier...**

> _'Noo. No garden this morning.' Muttered Dean, pulling you back against his chest as you went to climb out of bed at 4am. You looked over your shoulder at him in surprise. He rarely protested your morning routine, knowing you'd be back in bed with him by 6am for sex and more snuggling._
> 
> _'Please baby? Just stay in bed with me?' He pleaded, his voice low and husky._
> 
> _'I guess missing one day in the garden won't hurt.' You sighed, relaxing back in his arms. You’d noticed he’d been a little more clingy of late. You put it down to the Mark, and the fact he was a bit worried about you since you lost your shit on a recent vampire hunt with Jody.  
>  It wasn’t bad exactly, but you’d been pretty over zealous, gleefully decapitating all of the vampires on your own and you knew it had been playing on Dean’s mind ever since. _
> 
> _In return, you were worried about his random absences. He and Sam had been disappearing for hours at a time, under varying pretenses, but you were starting to get suspicious. Dean had promised no more secrets, but you knew if they had found out something really bad about the Mark and were trying to mitigate it, he might be waiting till they had better news. You fell into a troubled sleep, dreaming of Dean constantly needing help, but being out of reach. Fear clutching your throat as one dream evolved into another. All having the same feeling you had with Suze where you just couldn’t get there in time to save him._
> 
> _You woke several hours later to find you'd overslept, it was nearly 10am and the bed was empty beside you. You wandered into the kitchen, Dean making breakfast as you entered._
> 
> _'Hey, there's my girl. How you doing sleepyhead?' He asked, kissing you softly._
> 
> _'Good, but why did you let me sleep so late?' You asked, stealing some bacon and moving over to the table to sit opposite Sam._
> 
> _'We had some stuff to do so figured I'd let you sleep.' He shrugged._
> 
> _'Stuff?' You raised an eyebrow._
> 
> _'Yep.' He replied noncommittally, putting a plate in front of you and kissing your forehead. 'Now, eat up.'_
> 
> _You ate your meal quickly, aware that something was going on. Dean had already cleared away their plates and both were sitting opposite you, watching you, but not meeting your eye. Giving off enough nervous energy that in the end, you couldn't finish your meal._
> 
> _'Alright. What's happening? Because Winchesters - did we or did we not agree on a 'no more secrets' policy.' You said, pushing away your plate and giving them both a hard stare._
> 
> _'Well, yeah.' Agreed Dean, his mouth twitching a little. Sam nodding and looking down._  
>    
> 
> 
> __
> 
> _'Sooo. What is going on?' You demanded._
> 
> _'How about we show you.' Smiled Dean, handing you your jacket and pulling on his own, Sam following close behind. 'Come with us hot stuff.'_
> 
> _He placed his hands over your eyes as you reached the door to the garden, Sam moving ahead to open it for you._
> 
> _'What are you two up to?' You asked suspiciously as you inched outside, Dean keeping one hand over your eyes and the other around your waist to guide you. Eventually stopping and speaking gently into your ear._
> 
> _'So, I know we missed the official one year anniversary Rookie, but Sam and I wanted to do something for you to commemorate Suze's death. I know how tough this past year has been for you without her, and that you haven't really had time or space to deal with it properly. So I wanted to give you somewhere that you could come and grieve her when you needed to.' His voice husky and low as he removed his hand._
> 
> _Your eyes widened as you saw what they had done, immediately filling with tears._
> 
> _'Is this what you've been working on all those times when I didn’t know where you were?' You gasped, taking in the beautifully simple wooden bench. It had a single backrest with the word 'Sisters' engraved in the middle, and armrests that curved widely outwards to provide extra space at either end displaying either your's or Suze's initials, permanently reserving a spot for you both._
> 
> _You raised your eyes, your tears then becoming sobs as you took in the lemon tree at Suze's end and the lime tree at yours._  
>  _You'd told Dean months ago the story of how in college, you had both been obsessed with growing them in large pots on your patio. Each of you nurturing your respective trees and spending many evenings debating and competing on whether her lemons, or your limes were the better accompaniment to anything from gin to tequila, and for use in everything from tacos to pies. You'd talked to Dean about planting some in the garden at some point, but hadn't had the emotional courage to actually do it. Seeing them now made your heart explode with a combination of grief and happiness._
> 
> _'Sam helped too.' said Dean softly, rubbing your back and kissing the top of your head as you took it all in. 'After the case with Alex and the vamps, I had been thinking about what you said went down in your last session with Anne, and since we hate her now... I thought it might help if you had a place where you could maybe have a chat, you know - when you're missing your best friend. I saw this thing about a bench online and it seemed uh - like a cool idea.' He stumbled, finishing awkwardly. Like it wasn't the sweetest fucking thing anyone had ever done for you._
> 
> _'Because he specifically researched it, and spent hours trying to find the perfect idea... Then cut the wood, sanded and carved this all out.' Added Sam, rubbing your arm and laughing when Dean narrowed his eyes and gave him a ‘shut up man’ look. The pretend glare doing little to hide the hint of pride that shone through at your reaction and how touched you were._
> 
> _You stood staring at the bench and the trees, trying to catch your breath as the tears fell harder. Proper ugly crying now, unable to even pretend to hold it together as your emotions completely overwhelmed you. Dean crushing you into a hug and letting you cry, Sam moving to get you all drinks, pressing one into your hand as your tears finally subsided._
> 
> _'Come on, let’s try it out.' Suggested Dean, as you calmed down, gently leading you over to the bench so you could sit. Smiling as you immediately moved to Suze's end, putting your drink down and stroking your hands over her initials, before reaching to pick a lemon from the tree and holding it to your nose, inhaling the smell that bought back a heady rush of memories._
> 
> _'So uh - Suze.' rumbled Dean, holding his drink and standing in front of you, stroking your cheek as he spoke. 'I just wanted to say a few words to you. I'm real sorry we never got to meet. I have heard so many great things about you, and a few naughty stories too - which makes me think we would have gotten on well.'_
> 
> _He chuckled, throwing you a wink and clearing his throat._  
>    
>  _'It makes me sad and angry we weren't able to get there sooner that day and gank that vamp in time for you, but your beautiful best friend here did a fucking awesome job trying to save you, and you can be proud as fuck about the badass that she is. You probably already know this, but she's an incredible woman. Despite some shitty cards being dealt to her, she always looks for the best in people and she’s the kindest person I know. She loves with this fierce passion that blows me away, she builds me up and makes me feel like a King - but can also put me in my place with just a godamn look. She rocks my world in ways I didn't know were possible, and as a hunter she kicks ass. She's willing to put everything on the line to help others, to save people... to save me.'_ _He took a breath and glanced at you._
> 
> _'_ _So, I'm-uh doing my best to be worthy of all that, and do right by her since you're not here to kick my ass and keep me in line.'_ _His smile wide as he continued. '_ _There's a lot of who she is that she credits you for, so I thank you for that, but most of all I want to thank you for saving my girl. For getting her out of those foster care hell holes and away from those fuckers who were hurting her. For bringing her into your home, loving her and showing her a different life. I thank you for being a stellar best friend and sister to my girl and for being pretty badass yourself. You are a legend Suze and because of the way Rookie talks about you - I miss you, even if I never met you.'_
> 
> _He finished, raising his drink and bending down to kiss you, your face soft with appreciation and love._
> 
> _‘Dammit Dean, I just stopped crying.’ You sniffed. Your eyes brimming over once again at all the things he’d said._
> 
> _'I'd uh - like to say something too, if that’s ok?' Said Sam - looking to you for permission, clearing his throat as you smiled and nodded._
> 
> _'I just wanted to say that I've heard a lot about you too Suze and I'm sad that you're not here also… If only to help me wrangle these two sometimes because frankly I could use all the help I can get.' He smirked. 'I’ve done my best to step into your shoes and be a good best friend but I do think there’s times when she needs you – and only you.’ He cleared his throat and smiled. ‘She still talks about you a lot. I've heard enough stories to feel like I know you too, and even though you're not here - she keeps you alive in her heart, and so we all miss you through her love and stories. You got one helluva best friend Suze – I’ll do my best to live up to the standards you set and look after her for you.' He raised his glass, grinning at you as he added, 'Oh and don't worry, I'll happily kick Dean's ass and keep him in line for our bestie on your behalf.'_
> 
> _You smiled softly, standing to give Sam a grateful hug, moving next to Dean, holding his hand in a vice-like grip. Ready to finally say some things that you'd been chasing round your mind for a while, taking another big gulp of your drink before you began._
> 
> _'So Sis. Uh….’ You choked up, words getting stuck in your mouth. Loosening as Dean stroked your cheek, his eyes telling you that you had this, the unspoken connection and communication kicking in once again, reassuring you, giving you the strength to continue._
> 
> _You took a breath and tried again._  
>    
>  _‘So, it was tough. Really fucking tough. Fuck. Seeing you die like that, you didn't deserve that. You were so fucking beautiful and full of life... Having you so suddenly gone and by a vampire no less. Shit babe, so godamn dramatic - you were supposed to die with me when we got too drunk in our old age at the winery we would own together. Remember? How could you forget the plan? We were going to have hot winery workers that looked after us - and then one day we'd just drink too much wine and die in our rocking chairs, still arguing about lemons and limes. It was going to be perfect. It definitely wasn't supposed to be this friggin shitshow before you even turned 30.'_
> 
> _You shuddered a deep breath. Dean squeezing your hand, reminding you he was right there._
> 
> _'I - uh don't know how I got through it really. I guess I did that thing you hate where I pretended it was happening to someone else - you know, until it doesn't hurt so much anymore. But no newsflash to you Little Miss Smartypants - it still fucking hurts. A lot... A lot - a lot.' You exhaled and gripped Dean's hand tighter. 'Luckily though, I met these two gorgeous brothers...' You grinned at them both._
> 
> _'I wish you'd met these guys Suze. Oh la la the godamn conversations we would have had about the things that Dean and I get up to... that shit is crazy hot girlfriend and he is smoking. You'd approve.'_
> 
> _You winked at him as he chuckled._  
>    
>  _'But he's also so fucking kind, thoughtful and funny, loyal, sweet... oh and a hero who saves the world, they both are.' You laughed and traced a finger down Dean's face as he rolled his eyes. 'And Sam - you'd have been all over Sam. He wouldn't have known what hit him, but he'd have fucking loved it, just like everyone else who knew you did. The two of you would be fighting Dean and me for the loudest sex title for sure.'_
> 
> _You sighed, your bottom lip trembling and your voice dropping to a whisper._
> 
> _'So as you can imagine, it beyond super sucks that you're not here. And I wouldn't have got through this last year without them. These two are my best friends now - and the best men I've ever met, but your spot is still reserved lady. Even got a seat with your name on it now my sister.'_
> 
> _You grinned, stroking her initials and taking another big gulp of your drink._  
>    
>  _'So, I'm probably going to be chatting with you a bit from now on. There's some goss to catch you up on, for sure. Thank you for being an amazing woman, you helped raise and shape me just as surely as your Momma did and I can never repay you for the love, generosity and kind heart that took me in and made me yours. I miss you every fucking day Suze, the hole in my heart, the gap in my life will always be Suze shaped. One day I'm going to kick the door down and bust into your private heaven to hang out and catch-up, I might even bring some lemons with me because you're right - they do go well with everything.' You rasped, your voice trailing off into a sob as Dean pulled you close._
> 
> _You leaned into it for a second, then smiled at him and stood straight, the three of you silently raising your drinks in tribute to Suze, all of you getting lost for a minute, your eyes eventually wandering to Sam. You wondered if he was thinking about Jess, or if Dean was thinking about his parents, Bobby, they'd both lost so many people and yet here they were fucking building a bench and memorial for you and Suze. Your heart overflowed with gratitude and love, pulling them both towards you and giving them a group hug._
> 
> _'Thank you both so much. This means everything to me. I don’t have the words, but I hope you know how much I love and appreciate it. How much it means to me.' You smiled._
> 
> _'I don't know Sam - does it seem like she likes it?' Teased Dean._
> 
> _'Meh, maybe. Like a little bit.' Smirked Sam, winking at you and giving you a hug._  
>    
>  _'Damn you Winchesters.' You said, stepping back once again to run your fingers over the initials carved into the wood, turning to look back at them. 'You are the sweetest, most adorable, kind, thoughtful, heroic and hottest men I've ever met.'_
> 
> _You smiled up at Dean, the smile you had just for him, full of adoration and love._
> 
> _'Especially you Dean Winchester - you're really something you know that?'  
>    
>  _
> 
> _'I know.' Grinned Dean, laughing as you pulled him into a crushing hug._
> 
> _'Love you Rookie, forever yeah.' He smiled, kissing the top of your head._

  
* * *

The biting wind brought you back to the present, the unseasonably cold weather feeling appropriate for your mood.

‘This wasn’t supposed to be the place I come to talk to _you_ , Dean.’ You whispered, turning to look down to Suze’s end of the bench. ‘Fuck, I miss you both so much. Everything is such a fucking mess. I need you, Dean. I can’t believe you left.’ You sobbed. ‘I didn’t know how to get through this when you died, let alone became a demon. And now everything is so much worse, I'm so lost Dean. I'm so sorry, I've made some bad decisions since you've been gone ... but this one, this one is the right one. It has to be.'  
  
You wiped the tears that blinded you as you stood and walked away. Hoping it wasn’t the last time you ever sat on that bench, knowing it might be.   
  
For now, the one thing you did know was that you couldn’t be here anymore, and that you had to be gone before Sam got home. It was time to go.

**Author's Note:**

> Silent Lucidity - Queensryche  
> [ Spotify Playlist ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/74yvhGl8wQKF21B9152tml)//   
> [ Music Video ](https://youtu.be/jhat-xUQ6dw)
> 
> This was a tough song choice - Dust in the wind by Kansas and Love Hurts by Nazareth/Joan Jett were strong contenders (thanks Cleo4Short), but I picked this because of its relevance to the show - and because it's a beautiful song. 
> 
> GIFS: Found on giphy - no source links sorry, but as always let me know if you know who to credit. x
> 
> * * * *  
> For those following the series - this was originally going to be put in the same chapter after the hunt with Jody and Alex, but it pulled focus from the pace and tension building up so its here as a one shot. Hope you enjoyed. Last in the series coming soon!  
> Stay safe out there 💙


End file.
